My Self discovery through bad relationships Vol 2

<3 <3<3 Today was a hard day...he calls and immedietly my heart sinks, I start to breath more heavily and my hands are trimbling.
he's texted as well and makes it obvious that he's feeling some type of way by saying "where did WE go wrong"


what get's me is that my reaction is to...once again, try to remember if it was ME who did something wrong....I mean it's very hard to be rational at this moment because of my emotions...I know what took place but I also know that he wants to convince me that I caused the whole thing....damn! And i'm sure he has told his family the same thing!


The only reason I'm going to post this definition now is because I believe sometimes as females we change our perspective because of the addidtion and justify our changed peseptions because of what we think we may want or need (love)

Love addiction is a human behavior in which people become addicted to the feeling of being in love. Love addicts can take on many different behaviors. Love addiction is common; however, most love addicts do not realize they are addicted to love. Love addiction can be treated with various recovery techniques, most of which are similar to recovery from other addictions such as sex addiction and alcoholism, through group meetings and support groups.^[1]

My self discovery through bad/failed relationships. Vol I

Greetings, this journey hurts but I'm determined to be consistent.

So to start of I want to give a little history about me, just a little.
My Father and Mother divorced when I was young, way too young to recognize the hell my mom was feeling and I'm sure as spoiled as I was, I could not have made the situation any better <3 (sorry Ma)

(Parent Abandonment)

 After that my Father kept in touch with me through phone and occasional summer visits, I was devastated but did not have the vocabulary to communicate that so I blocked it out and other events that involved my mother landing another relationship with a man who molested me and killed several people while living with us (Sherman Preston> featured on BET) In 5 Ohio cases, DNA revealed a new suspect  

All of this stayed slightly dormant until around 14.  when my mother just could not take my reckless behavior and she planned to send me to my Father....I'm not sure what happened but when I arrived in Atlanta, I stayed with my Father's Sister until he arrived....the traumatic part is that he never came....well, this sent me into a frenzy because, not only did my Mom not want me but my Father didn't either? Well I'll show them!

I ran away for attention....this got me taken advantage of by a man who was 8 years older than me.
He forced his self on me...I asked for it right?
(Reality sets in)


Several relationships and 4 children later I notice a pattern.

As an African American I can say that I've never heard of anyone in my family receiving therapy for anything! It was considered to be something we just did not do and that other nationalities did....
This has to change!

because I was never told "this is not your fault" or walked through the traumatic scenarios of my life.
I believed I done something wrong to deserve this.
I now know that this started with my Father...I often made up stories to my friends because of the embarrassment of my Father not being there.
so maybe I did do something to deserve this.
Maybe I wasn't cute enough-
Smart enough
athletic enough
strong enough...


These thoughts led me on a road of destruction and anger to prove everyone WRONG!

(The last destructive relationship)


Subconsciously I was attracted to weak men. Men who would need me more and would think twice about abandoning me...for the most part I became a seducer and massaged every part of man's ego.
And I became very good at it..but those relationships never lasted because when it got a little rough..I always threatened to leave for leverage. Horrible!

6'6"(Alias)
- I was falling for him fast and was attracted and addicted to his compassion and personality, and I believed him to feel the same way...unfortunately he had an drug addiction and I didn't find out until I was already sucked in. I thought somehow I could fix him..and I expected him to adorn me for a job well done and sticking it out...this is so dysfunctional!
dysfunctional because sooner or later you will be filled with regrets for expecting and love does not resemble this..this is an unspoken contract!

One day when the emotions were high (reality setting in) we bumped heads and he choked me for the first time until I lost consciousness.....I'm still very confused by this and can't understand what I did to get this type of punishment...Once again blaming myself when I'm %100 sure I did nothing to deserve it!

This is what I want to examine in the days to come....

Relationship Roller Coaster

Up..down, a quick around, a sharp turn left, a sharp turn right, traveling blindly into a tunnel ahead, leading to an instant dead drop...this is a subjective, but painful illustration of what we experience in relationships.

One being on a roller-coaster ride.

Roller coaster rides clearly have a beginning and an ending...yet are still somewhat unpredictable and uncontrollable if your not paying attention or looking ahead, this is why they are so hard to resist and so innately tempting to our psyche.

Both rides deliver a chemical reaction that is so addictive and irresistible to our adrenaline, that no matter how scary or unpleasant it seems at times, we continue to return for more.

Neither can offer security or promise, they do however offer the thrill of the unknown, the desire to fulfill a dare or a fantasy and most of all the ability to overcome certain challenges we face through nature and our own subconscious weakness known as 'fear'.

Relationships and roller-coaster rides can be extreme experiences in life. The need for your own balance and inner strength to be able to deal with its twists and turns is vital to the outcome of the ride. If you are too weak, you will loose control and all self-stability in your life. If you are too strong and have no fear whatsoever...your taking the ride for granted, your letting your guard down and without warning, you will end up shocked when it ends unexpectedly.

Not only is it essential to have knowledge of the risk involved in the ride, you must also have a certain amount of awareness so you can be prepared for the unknown. Forewarned is forearmed! If you enter the ride expecting too little or too much, it can leave you very disappointed and unfulfilled.

Roller-coaster and relationship rides are also extremely difficult if not impossible to exit once you step on, which is another reason to be very sure you are willing to stay the course.

Either way.....both rides demand some level of mental preparation and knowledge as neither ride can be entered without risk. Hence the saying, 'Enter at your own risk'. I repeat myself in using the word, 'risk' as it is a key word when entering any relationship or roller-coaster ride and its meaning must be heard and understood clearly.

A risk is the outcome of the gamble you take when you invest your heart, your time and/or your money in something that appears to offer what you cannot ignore. So be very aware of the risk involved in any ride in life!

Important words to remember...even though you cannot control or predict these rides...you can control how you allow these rides to affect you, just as you can control how you enter and leave the ride!

So tell me.....

How do you enter the rides that your life challenges you with?

My self discovery through bad/failed relationships.

Instead of writing a album of my heart break I thought I would walk myself through it first.
After my previously failed relationship I thought it would be best to look at some important areas and apply some very heavy criticism!

I noticed that I went against everything I wanted in a mate and settled for the traits I didn't want.
So here I will make a list of what I was looking for from greatest to least and then I will note if this person displayed those traits.

Employed/Self employed or eagerly looking >  No
Spiritual                                                         > No 
Family Oriented                                             > Yes/ Sometimes
No former or current Drug abuse                  >  Yes
Intelligent                                                      > Sometimes
Compassionate                                             > Sometimes
Excellent Communicator                               > No
Respects women                                          > No
Humanitarian                                                 > Sometimes
Tall                                                                >  Yes
Attractive                                                       >  Yes

What's horrible is that I was given sign after sign that he wasn't a good match for me, but I chose to ignore those signs over his need of someone to nurture him. And their it was a silent agreement was made...I nurture you in return that you will become all of the things I want you to be!!!!!
He said all of the right things...touched me in the right ways and soon I was swepped in a whirlwind fantasy of  hoping I finally found the "one"

all poppy cock
Truth is I'm starting to smell a rat !!!

follow me through my thought process while I dig up some hurtful truth....and become my own therapist..
comment and questions welcome <3

Soul 2 Soul ~Create your Relationship: Making good choices when it comes to Men/Women.

Soul 2 Soul ~Create your Relationship: Making good choices when it comes to Men/Women.: Men, have you ever seen a women with a man that you knew was not the greatest match for her? Women who were hurt in a previous relationship...

Making good choices when it comes to Men/Women.

Have you ever seen a women/man with a someone you knew was not the greatest match for him/her?
Women/Men who were hurt in a previous relationship usually chose people they can control. Some do this to protect themselves from getting hurt again instead of questioning their choices in men Altogether.The mate they choose are a direct link to the pain they endured in the past and deep issues they have with themeselves. Unfortunately, It may take several relationships before a person can understand that she/he will keep attracting their pain over and over again until they heal themselves from the fear of being hurt that way again.

What does that mean for you? Well you too have choices that you are responsible for. If you see a person in this transition where:


talks about the person who hurt them most of the time your together
controlling in several areas of your relationship.
wants you to do what they wont do.
not interested in your dreams or goals but wants you to be interested in theirs

Chances are they're still carrying some baggage and it's either your willing to go along on a very bumpy ride or you except that there's nothing you can do to help them if they can't see their own pain manifesting through their relationships.

Bottom line we all have a responsibility in relationships, and if you allow someone else to give you examples of how they don't care about you then you can't care about yourself.

If we don't make better choices we repeat our mistakes over and over again.
Bless

I lost my job

Peace and blessings,

With the job loss percentage at it's all time high, people are feeling a sense of panic, despair and anxiety and this spirals into depression which leaves people feeling inadequate and hopeless. I'm sure that these thoughts lead to other thoughts that are very similar to what your feeling already, thus creating a personal hell for you. So lets sit down and have a cup of tea or coffee together while asking some important questions, as far as the sugar of love...how many lumps would you prefer 1 or 2? ;)

You: I lost my Job.

Question I ask: Is this true?
(hold on to that answer you will need it later)

2nd question I ask: Can you absolutely KNOW that this is true? 
(sit with that for a minute and reason with it)

3rd Question I ask is:How do you react or what happens when you believe this thought? depression, anxiety etc.
(be honest)

a)what emotions happen when you believe this thought?

b)does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

c)what images do you see past and future when you believe that thought? homelessness, not being able to feed your family or yourself, bills getting out of hand etc..*think of as many as you can


d)what addictions/obsessions begin to manifest when you believe this thought? bad eating habits, alcohol, smoking, biting your fingernails etc..be honest with yourself.

e)Describe the physical sensations that happen when you believe this thought.

f)How do you treat others (include family and friends) when you believe this thought?

g)How do you treat yourself when you believe this thought?

4th Question to you is: Who would you be without that thought?

Turn it around:
(I lost my Job)

1. The job lost me
2. I stopped doing my job
3 The jobs didn't lose me
b) the job helped me

At this moment you may have felt a couple of heart tuggs..which is supposed to happen to help you open up..breath with it by taking 5 deep breaths...and love yourself because you are now open to doing so

Love and light.