Greetings, this journey hurts but I'm determined to be consistent.
So to start of I want to give a little history about me, just a little.
My Father and Mother divorced when I was young, way too young to recognize the hell my mom was feeling and I'm sure as spoiled as I was, I could not have made the situation any better <3 (sorry Ma)
(Parent Abandonment)
After that my Father kept in touch with me through phone and occasional summer visits, I was devastated but did not have the vocabulary to communicate that so I blocked it out and other events that involved my mother landing another relationship with a man who molested me and killed several people while living with us (Sherman Preston> featured on BET) In 5 Ohio cases, DNA revealed a new suspect
All of this stayed slightly dormant until around 14. when my mother just could not take my reckless behavior and she planned to send me to my Father....I'm not sure what happened but when I arrived in Atlanta, I stayed with my Father's Sister until he arrived....the traumatic part is that he never came....well, this sent me into a frenzy because, not only did my Mom not want me but my Father didn't either? Well I'll show them!
I ran away for attention....this got me taken advantage of by a man who was 8 years older than me.
He forced his self on me...I asked for it right?
(Reality sets in)
Several relationships and 4 children later I notice a pattern.
As an African American I can say that I've never heard of anyone in my family receiving therapy for anything! It was considered to be something we just did not do and that other nationalities did....
This has to change!
because I was never told "this is not your fault" or walked through the traumatic scenarios of my life.
I believed I done something wrong to deserve this.
I now know that this started with my Father...I often made up stories to my friends because of the embarrassment of my Father not being there.
so maybe I did do something to deserve this.
Maybe I wasn't cute enough-
Smart enough
athletic enough
strong enough...
These thoughts led me on a road of destruction and anger to prove everyone WRONG!
(The last destructive relationship)
Subconsciously I was attracted to weak men. Men who would need me more and would think twice about abandoning me...for the most part I became a seducer and massaged every part of man's ego.
And I became very good at it..but those relationships never lasted because when it got a little rough..I always threatened to leave for leverage. Horrible!
6'6"(Alias)
- I was falling for him fast and was attracted and addicted to his compassion and personality, and I believed him to feel the same way...unfortunately he had an drug addiction and I didn't find out until I was already sucked in. I thought somehow I could fix him..and I expected him to adorn me for a job well done and sticking it out...this is so dysfunctional!
dysfunctional because sooner or later you will be filled with regrets for expecting and love does not resemble this..this is an unspoken contract!
One day when the emotions were high (reality setting in) we bumped heads and he choked me for the first time until I lost consciousness.....I'm still very confused by this and can't understand what I did to get this type of punishment...Once again blaming myself when I'm %100 sure I did nothing to deserve it!
This is what I want to examine in the days to come....
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